Last week I headed to New York for work.  This was my first time in an airport since my trip to Norway.  Going through the security checkpoint, I was reminded of my experience in the Amsterdam airport. 

Dear Amsterdam Security Agent,

First I want to thank you for all the work you do keeping our airports safe and making everyone feel comfortable flying.  I also want to thank you for making me feel uncomfortable by the methods used to keep our airports safe.

Have you ever heard the phase, "touch it once you're adjusting it, more than that you're just playing with yourself"?  I am not sure how that translates into your language or if that is even a problem in Amsterdam (I am going to go ahead and assume it is a problem, especially in the red light district, but perhaps you just look away… or even look right at it, but I digress).  My point is, I understand that if randomly chosen, I must endure a somewhat humiliating and certainly somewhat uncomfortable "pat down" to ensure I am not hiding weapons, drugs, liquids exceeding 3.7 ounces, etc.  But did you really find it necessary to cup my tats twice?  Once I can understand – they are on the larger side, they themselves could be used as weapons and I could in fact hide liquids exceeding 3.7 ounces somewhere in there – but twice?  Cup them once and you're checking for contraband, cup them twice and you're just copping a feel.

But thanks for being the first person to feel me up in a foreign country.  After spending 7 hours in your mall looking airport and trying to sleep on uncomfortable bench chairs, I needed a little… stimulation.  While you were certainly an attractive security agent, my only hope is that next time you call over one of the foxy male security guards to cop a feel (for example, the ones that zoom around on the segways – hot).  This is Amsterdam after all – I am pretty sure anything goes.

Cheers,